Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The 3 mistakes of my life..

My prologue

This is the third book of Chetan Bhagat. As usual, when I saw this yellow and black combo cover page in the store with the writer’s name, I knew I had to take this. Actually, I was waiting to get hold of a copy of this but I have never bought any novel for more than 50 bucks, till date. I get most of my books from the library, through friends or the pirated copy books vendors who give it at a reasonable rate.

This time I didn’t think much. The printed price was 95/-. I got this book for 85/- after getting a bargain of 10/-. I thought I should buy or not but I had already paid the money by then.

One mistake I do at times, ‘I think after I do’. Now this book was mine and the shopkeeper handed me the change also. On the way back home I had guilt, within. Questions came up in my mind. Did I do the right thing by shelling 85 bucks for this book? I could have downloaded this book or I could have waited and got it from any vendor at a much cheaper rate in the station or by the road side.
Then at the same time I got points like: ‘Why should I think so?’ Let me cut down on the other expenses like, buying a big tube of a face wash instead of a small one or just not eat any of my favourite snacks like Pav Bhaji.
Done! No more of thinking on this. I came home. My mom saw the book. She didn’t ask the price but still I had that guilt left. I was over with it when I started reading the book.

I had 100’s of things to worry about. One is my story of unsuccessful attempts in some of my Post Grad entrance exams and the anxiety created by the patient wait for the results.
To top it all I got a call from my own college, VIT. I had no options but to pay 10,000. Ah!! Wish I could get a course of my choice in some college. Thoughts like, “Am I that bad?” started coming in my mind. Some people call me intelligent and they are the ones who have spoilt me. Didn’t I study enough?

Of course I had burnt the midnight oil to study for my entrances but was this hard work enough? There were people better than me, no doubt in that but I didn’t work less either. I don’t have this luck that favours me much. I started debating with my own self.
MCQ’s… Nah!! They take a toll on me. I make mistakes there. Confusion!
Should I hope something?
This is the second mistake I frequently do. I expect a lot (either from myself or from anyone I am close to). I generally DO NOT get what I expect. It is either nothing or something less than my expectations.

No use attending phone calls and answering friends, “Archu, you, you are coming back to VIT?? Don’t bluff.” This is a standard question my friends ask. What will I say??

I wasn’t happy with my own self on the other hand my parents were very happy. They were just upset that I wasn’t getting the course of my choice. For the first time in my life I felt so low and I couldn’t find even consoling words enough to console me. I was angry with my own self and also along with that many things came to my mind. Medical Bio-Chem. and Medical Biotech was something that I craved for…. I really didn’t know if I could make it to those courses. For the first time I felt, “Wish I could change my fate.”

So far I had always got what I wanted and believed that whatever happens is for the good but none of these theories seemed to work now. When I saw some of my close friends getting into colleges with just 0.5% of the effort I put in, I felt… for me it was nothing but a basic slogan…’ Slog’, ‘Slog’, ‘Slog’. I knew that for me life had never been that easy as it has happened from my school days. I always used to get stuck at 89, 99 and a difference of 1 mark made me miss my gold medal. ‘Struggle’ is a word, which is in everyone’s dictionary but some are lucky enough to surpass them easily. I am not one of them. It lasts long.

Even with friends, I haven’t been as lucky as I haven’t got good friends very easily. Though I can vouch for the fact that I make lots of friends and also maintain the relationship but I have not been that lucky. Those few, who are really close to me, staying close to them has been a really difficult job for me.
Here comes the third mistake I make: Possessiveness. (Be it a living thing or a non-living thing) A typical Arian trait I would say but can’t help it.

I love everyone. That’s the BIG problem. One has to always chalk down people in priority list but my list is never a list then how can I organize it? I have faced big problems because of that and when I give IMPORTANCE to someone, then it is 100% but I have never got one who gives me importance as much as I do. Of course I am wrong in expecting so much but I get people like, “ What the fuck does it matter to me if I am important to you?” ( This is a reciprocation I get as gestures from some people whom I just can’t live without) but then there are also some who have given me more than I deserved and I love them more than my life. It hurts of course but what to do my life is like that. Still I have the flame on as I can’t let go anyone who’s a part of my colorful world.

I am egoistic (in certain cases). I think everyone has top be but when it comes to people I love and care, I can even loose my self respect, and coz I love them. My friend once said, “Have some self respect dude. Don’t waver on the way you talk. Be firm. Either be rude or sweet. Don’t try to be both.” But I was like: “Can’t you understand that when you really love someone you don’t consider self-respect, ego or anything.”
One can do ANYTHING for friendship.

In this journey, because of over possessiveness I lost a brother from my world. The mistake lies in way he looked at relationships. He couldn’t bear me getting close with any other guy. I bent the maximum in this case but when the other person refused to show flexibility, I left the verdict on him and got back 2 rakhis in stead which I had tied for 2 years. I do not have any brother of my own. I have only 3 cousin brothers’ who are close to me. Still, in 14 years of my school life, I hadn’t tied Rakhi to anyone or even considered anyone as my brother as I felt relationship must be strong and carried with responsibility. I found one in VIT: One among my group of friends. I loved him to the core. Then what, his possessiveness towards his sister made his mind think crap and he broke the bond forever.
I DO NOT use slang’s but I felt like shouting out loud, “What the fuck do you think I am? Is it that easy to make and break a relationship?”

Then I decided, “I will not tie Rakhi to anyone in my life after this.”
I can’t bend more when the other person doesn’t seem to even care a shit for my feelings.

Well, I left all that. My life was in ruins then but eventually I got over it.

So many mistakes made and corrected. I found this in the book; though they weren’t the same.


PS: I am not used to using slang’s but for the first time situations forced me to us them.